Read Jerrod Carmichael’s Golden Globes monologue

Welcome to the 80th Annual Golden Globe Awards. I’m your host, Jerrod Carmichael, and I’m going to tell you why I’m here. I’m here because I’m black. I pick up everyone in the room. If you calm down a bit, I’ll tell you what’s going on. That show, the Golden Globe Awards, didn’t air last year because the Hollywood Foreign Press Association — which I’m not going to say was a racist organization – but they didn’t have a single black member until George Floyd died. So do what you want with this information.

I’ll tell you how I got here. Why am I here on stage with you tonight? Well, I was at home having tea when I got a call from my husband, Stephen Hill. Stephen Hill is a great producer and he said, “Jerrod, really, I’m honored to make this call.” would declare to be there as hosts.”

I thought, ‘Whoa.’ One minute you’re making mint tea at home, the next you’re being invited to be the black face of an embattled white organization. Life comes at you really fast, you know? So I said, ‘Stephen, I’m torn. I’ll be honest with you: I’m a little torn because – firstly, it’s a great opportunity; thank you for the interview. But I’m only asked to moderate this, I know because I’m black.

And Stephen said, ‘Let me stop you right now, Jerrod.’ He said: “You are being asked to host this show because you are talented. You are asked to host this show because you are charming. He said, “You’re being asked to host this show because you’re one of the greatest comedians of a generation.”

But Stephen’s Black, so what does he know? He’s only producing this show because he’s black. You won’t tell him why he’s here either. So I said, ‘Stephen, that’s a lot for me. Let me call you back.’

So I did what I do when I have a moral-racial dilemma: I called homegirl Avery. Who, for the sake of this monologue, represents every black man in America. And I said to Avery, I said, ‘Avery, they asked me to host the Golden Globes.’ And I said, ‘What should I do?’

And she said, ‘Ooh, bookies, I’m so proud of you! Now remind me, what awards show is that again?’ And I told her what the show was, and I told her it didn’t air last year because there were no black people. And she said, ‘Well, how much are they paying you?’ And I said, ‘Well, Avery, honestly, it’s not about the money. It’s a moral question, should I let—” And she said, “Jerrod, enough of that. How much are they paying you?’ And I said, ‘$500,000.’ And she said, ‘Boy, if you don’t put on a good suit and take the white people money.’

And I kind of forget that where I’m from, we all live by a strict take-the-money mentality. I bet black informants for the FBI in the ’60s, their families were still proud of them. They said, ‘Have you heard about Clarence’s new job? They pay him $8 an hour just to see Dr. to tell on King. That’s a good government job.’

And I called Stephen back and said, ‘I like doing that.’ And I was really proud of that decision. Until I received an email from my publicist saying that Helen, the President of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, wanted to meet me in person. And I said, ‘No thanks. I know a trap when I hear a trap.”

And I thought it was gone. Then it came back. They said, ‘Well, they don’t really ask, Jerrod. They insist that you attend the meeting.’ And I thought, ‘Or what? you gonna fire me? They haven’t had a black host in 79 years. You will fire the first? I’m not fireable.’

And it came back again, a third time. For example, “Jerrod, Helen really just wants to enlighten you on the changes the organization has made regarding diversity.” And I’m going to be completely honest with everyone here tonight: I don’t really need to hear that. I took this job assuming they hadn’t changed at all. I heard they got six new Black members, congratulations to them whatever, sure.

But that’s not why I’m here. I’m really here because of all of you — I look into this space and I see a lot of talented people. People I admire, people I’d like to be like, people I’m jealous of, and people who are truly incredible artists.

And whatever the Hollywood Foreign Press Association’s past, this is a night to celebrate. And I think this industry deserves such evenings. And I’m glad you’re all here, and I’m glad I’m here, and I hope you have some fun tonight.

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